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October 14*2002, 12:54 pm
i feel overwhelmed a good amount of the time. and i think that is why i do things like tell mike to move out. if i am afraid i can't pay my bills or will have to move back home any second, it is not fair to keep him up in the air. it would be easier to think that no one was depending on me at all. i put enough pressure on myself as it is. thinking that mike will be let down, or stuck with an apartment, or left high and dry bothers me a lot. he deserves a lot better than that. but it is also nice to have him. to know he would help me if i needed it. to know he would be there if i needed it. but sometimes i feel like i don't deserve those things since i cant even get my own life together. the main problem is that i think too much. i don't want to move back to kansas. first of all, there are no jobs there either. the only difference would be that i would not have rent to pay. but i would have to get a car if i planned on working etc... so that is a chunk of money anyway. i just don't think it would be a short term thing. i think it would be like digging myself a hole to live in for the rest of my life. which is not so smart. i wish that i could say what i mean to mike instead of driving him away. but it is really hard for me sometimes. i think everyone knows that i have lost control of my life- but i hate admitting it. and i hate admitting that i don't know what to do. especially to him. i think it makes me look stupid and useless, things i would prefer him not thinking about me. things i would prefer no one thinking about me- even though i am pretty sure a lot of people think it by this point. i wish things could get back on track.
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