|
* guestbook * * diaryland * * kimkim * * i make movies * * i am fascinating! * * older entries * |
October 01*2002, 11:42 pm
when i think about how imagined being as an adult, and how i actually am- it is depressing. it's like somewhere along the line i did a complete 180. and it pisses me off. i used to have a lot of direction and motivation and goals. and now i don't have any of those things. and sometimes i feel like i gave those things up for a boyfriend. which is really stupid- and not true. but it seems like i had those things and now i HAVE this. and this ain't much. and i don't know where those things went, or if they ever plan on coming back. and who knows how much longer this will even be happening. who knows. then i will have a big fat 0. nada. nothing. what a success i have turned out to be. i have said too much- now i am pissed off. ************************************* today on the subway i got annoyed because this pregnant lady got on and no one would let her sit down. and she was really pregnant. what jerks. so i look at the people nearest to her- and think if i give them the evil eye they will let her sit down- no luck. and she even does it- no luck. an annoying girl right next to her- lets call her fatty fat- rolls her eyes even. so i finally ask the guy next to fatty fat to let the lady sit down. and he seemed really sorry that he did not see her. said he was spacing off etc... kept thanking me and apologizing to the lady (who it turned out did not speak english). so he was back in my good graces. then he kept talking to me on the train. and when we got to astor place it turned out that we were both getting off. and then we walked the same way. i was on the way to my therapist, and he was going home i guess. so he ended up walking me there- but when we got there he tried to kiss me goodbye and i was like "wha?" but for a second i almost did it. i mean, i broke up with mike weeks ago and who knows what is happening there. but we are still living together, and trying to make it work we say. so i did not. and i said "i have a boyfriend" and he acted just like he did on the train "i'm sorry" etc.. he was not skeevy at all. just bad timing. ************************************** i am a computer retard. |