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May 30*2002, 4:42 pm
yesterday feels like one of the worst days of my life. i'm not exactly sure why- but i woke up feeling so badly about everthing that happened in the past day. especially the things i couldn't quite remember. i woke up vomiting. but i hadn't eaten anything for a long time, or had anything to drink, so nothing came out. it had all the pain and spasms of vomiting but with none of the pay off. i didn't feel relieved at all. then i thought that maybe nothing bad had realy happened. maybe everything had been a dream. it all had a mishapen nightmare quality to it afterall, so of course, it had to be a dream. so i asked mike about it, it turns out more than half of it really happened. not a dream at all, but a real live nightmare. after he left for work i was back to the useless vomiting. feeling worse than i had before. i feel sick right now. sick and hollow. i had an okay day yesterday. i got an ice cream cone on the way to my psychiatrists office. it was yummy. i fired him, which was awesome and a big relief. you should never have a doctor you dislike or distrust and i did both with him. good riddance. i got really especially psyched up for the road trip this weekend. planned out fun stuff etc... was generally very psyched. it was also mike's dad's birthday and i helped him pick out a rad gift for him- but had to work through the shindig his family had for it. which was too bad. i would have liked to have gone. work was pretty fun and interesting. a very good day. then i got some very bad news about my mom. she has apparently run away....again. and has no intention of ever seeing me again and did not even tell me this herself. she's doing very badly. and running herself further and further into the ground. she has nothing and she plans to keep it that way it seems. no one can help her. it stinks to just have to watch it happen. i will never understand why she ever had children, since she says over and over again that she never wanted them. and has made it very clear that she doesn't like me very much and does not even call me unless she needs money or something. it's really hard on everyone. a lot harder than we try to let on. i have also been very nauseus lately and not eating very well. so i got home, with a HUGE need to pee, cranky from the sweaty tired subway ride home at 1am, and hungry. and sad. when i told mike what was wrong. he was nice and could see that i was upset. but then as we were falling asleep talking he said "i really have to sleep" and rolled over. i did not take this well. it really hurt my feelings in fact. i have told him before that saying that hurts my feelings, but he doesnt see it that way. it became a terrible fight. one which i really hope to forget. i have been megadosing on medicine today in the hopes that the memories will go from mangled nightmare to distant dream like time, to nothing at all. i just want to be okay. i know that's what mike wants too. it just may take longer than we like. i'm sorry.
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