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May 30*2002, 7:22 pm
i am bound to live a solitary life. or, atleast i believe this. and i seem to be making it happen as opposed to waiting and seeing if that would happen naturally. i guess i would rather be alone than do what my mom does. and that is chase some idiot across the country just to avoid being alone. even an idiot who beats her and cheats on her. i'd rather be independent any day. i just can't get used to the fact that one can be independant and still have a boyfriend and friends etc.... and a therapist and a psychiatrist and medication. i would like to think that i can do everything on my own and handle it all. but it is painfully clear that i cannot. or maybe- that i don't have to, so why put myself through that? i don't know why i am so hard on myself. it's just the way it has always been. i just saw mike and it made me want to cry and vomit again. which i think is part medication and part pure horror at my own brain and behavior. and he was nice and it was normal....ish. as normal as it could be i guess, all things considered. and then he left and went the opposite way than i thought he should, considering the location of my office- but as i was waiting for the elevator i saw him walk past with his friend karl. i hate karl. everything about him makes my skin crawl. and mike was hiding him and acting like he was alone but the whole time loathed karl was waiting outside. he is such a smarmy guy with no good qualities as far as i can see. it bothers me that mike would be friends with a person like that at some level. but it is mike's life- he can be friends with whomever he chooses. but i asked to not be included in any way. which annoyed mike. but that is my right- i'm afraid of the guy for god's sake- i'm not gonna want to be a part of his life. but as they walked away chatting i just imagined mike totally ignoring my request and telling him everything about me and us and where i work and so on. that is so disrespectful. i want to vomit again. but i don't think i have the energy. i really love mike. and i really want things to work out. i just don't know how much he wants it. and how much time i have at this point. i wished that i liked myself more.
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