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April 26, 2002, 10:44 am
times are strange right now. i think i feel bad for my family and friends most. because they really can't get ahold of me. but i really had to leave. being in that apartment was suffocating. it held me down and didn't let me up. i didn't know what was going on with mike. i just thought he was gone for a few days to give me space etc... but then i realized he was totally avoiding me and wanted nothing to do with me. it made me throw up. i don't know what i am doing anymore. i have no direction or motivation or anything. i just feel hollow and like someone is sitting on my chest. i could just implode at any second and that would be alright with me. my friend joe has been really great. very great. the kind of great that i wish mike could be. but i am probably fairer to joe since there is more distance. too close can be a bad thing sometimes. it's just that i would like to know mike's alive every once and a while, even if he doesn't want to know the same about me right now. i don't blame. i don't care if i'm alive right now either. and all this "help" i'm getting is draining my bank account. god bless america!
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