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April 15, 2002, 3:41 pm
groggy. i have now been groggy for two days. it's weird. i have excercised and everything- assuming that would wake me up.....but nothing. i still feel like i haven't woken up since sunday morning. mike and i didn't speak much yesterday. not in a bad way. it just seemed like we were both still sleeping. he's not eating much either- which spells trouble. eating is his livelihood! we went out on saturday, dinner and a movie. taco bell and "human nature". taco bell was awesome (as usual), and the movie was okay. it had its moments, but wasn't really that great. it was fun to get out. and saturday in general was a great day. kinda lazy, but really great. we ended up sneaking into "frailty" which was really strange and creepy. and all about god- which i did not know. i did scream out loud once though. creepy. we got home at 2 or 230 am and there were some messages on the machine (one from a guy yelling in arabic- i get these calls a lot- but mike never has and i think he thought i was making it up- now i have the message to prove it!) and one from my friend valorie. usually she is very hyper and loud and excited on the phone, but not this time. she was very quiet and i thought it was because she was mad at me for not calling her in a long time- but i did call her, her phone was messed up etc..., i digress. but she wasn't mad at me, she was sad. sad because her dad died earlier that night. i have known her since 9th grade, and known her dad almost that long (even though for a while he had my name and some other girl confused and was mean to me on the phone- one day he realized the mistake and apologized for being mean on the phone.) it was a surprise. no sign of anything. getting ready to go out with her mom and he never came down so she went to get him and he was just dead. just like that. he was not a healthy guy, and he did chain smoke, but still, it just happened, just like that. i feel so bad for her and her mom and sister. especially her mom actually. they have been married for a long time (like 25-30 years) and i have never known them to be that "coupley"- the sleep in separate rooms for gods sake. but they are really each others companions. and her mom is really sweet, but also really shy. it must be so hard to start over. relationships are so hard. going through so much with someone just to be left alone someday, or to leave them in the lurch someday. cancer runs very deeply in my family. and it worries me that i could find out that i have it any day. i wouldn't want to put my kids or my boyfriend/husband through that. it doesn't seem fair to them. my friend kim is so afraid that her pets will die before she does. she doesn't think anyone could take as good of care of them as she could. or love them as much. so she wants them to all die together and be buried together. i told mike that if we are still together when we are old and/or sick- i want us to die at the exact same time. then i don't have to worry about someone loving him as much as they should. or about him being left alone after forgetting how to be alone. and vice versa. i think it is a good deal. |