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April 09, 2002, 12:29 am
i am more depressed today than i ever remember being depressed in high school. maybe that was a combo of hormones and angst and depression and this is more 100%, hardcore, in your face depression. whatever the case may be- i am not enjoying it. last week i did this thing where i would be horribly sad all day but pretend to mike that everything was super great, no reason to worry. well, that made me so tired that i have slept approx. 30 hours since sunday. and i don't really feel like being awake now. i dogsat for my friend this past weekend. a cute, hyper beagle named howie. he was pretty good. peed in the apartment a couple of times, didn't ruin anything of ours, and barked every hour all night long- every time he heard someone in the halls. but he is a very affectionate dog and atleast it gave me something to do. now it it back to being so quiet in here. i think that i am being suffocated by the quiet. it has gotten to the point where i am so happy when mike gets home just so i won't be alone anymore- really nothing to do with him at all. yesterday my non-english speaking super was here fixing something and that even made me happy. something to do and some noise during the day. it's not like i stay here for fun. i am trapped. i have no money. NO MONEY. i bought groceries and some stuff for the apartment and allergy medicine this weekend and that is it for me and money. my friends asked me to do stuff this past weekend and i couldn't afford to do anything so i sat at home. i know mike has things he wants to do too, but thankfully he has his script to work on, so he is going out less anyway. otherwise i would just be sitting here while he went out and did things that i want to do, but can't. when i took my last job it was a last resort. nothing about that job was enjoyable and i started getting depressed just working there so i abused the company property in an effort to make myself feel better. and sometimes that worked. but usually i would sit there all day and fantasize about being unemployed. but now that i am unemployed and stuck in some legal battle with unemployment, i have to say, my fantasy was much better. but when i took my last job i said that it was the last job i would take out of desperation, and then last week i found myself sending in resumes to even jobs that i would never want (not like i got a call back or an interview anyway) and just doing that made me sad. and i decided then to just stop randomly sending out my resume. it's not like that is getting me anywhere anyway. and i had these big plans of sending out packets to places that aren't even technically hiring and wowing them and making them hire me for my dream job. well, i can't even afford to print those packets up right now. i can't afford anything. i can't even afford this apartment yet i am stuck here everday. mike thinks that because he paid rent everything would be great and taken care of and he would play the hero. but that only took care of things for one day. i have lots of bills and general expenses that i remember every day. i have my crackhead mom calling begging me for money so she won't starve to death or be homeless again. i owe my dad money. and credit cards and student loans and the phone company and my old roommate and my accountant. mike just doesn't understand that my problems go a lot further than the rent. he keeps saying "one thing at a time- everything is gonna work out" but he doesn't realize how many things come up on a daily basis. i just don't feel like there is anything i can do. everything is out of my hands. i think i will just sleep until i have a reason to get up. today i have a meeting at 4 oclock. so i had to be up eventually. tomorrow i have nothing- maybe i will just sleep for 24 hours straight.
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