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August 06* 2005, 1:42 am
I made what I thought was a very great and bold decision this week. Mike has been very stressed out and seemed really upset lately so I told him that we should maybe cool off for a week and get some thinking and some work done and then talk again when we both feel better (my job is pretty crap right now).

But now, only 26 hours in, I am mildly panicking. What if 7 days pass and he decides that I was the problem and that he doesn't miss me at all. It is 1:45 am on a Friday night and I stayed in, did laundry and designed my new site all night. I think that has made me paranoid. Delusional.

I am now ebbing back and thinking that if 7 days has that sort of effect, it is really all for the best.

Join me on this ride. The ultra-mega-amazing mood swing-a-thon. It's the best attraction at the park!

July 30* 2005, 1:17 pm
There have been awesome things happening but I really haven't known what to say about them. I am going to be changing up the format and the set up and the layout and everything so I am sort of saving up stories until then.

Now, stay on the edge of your seats while I do that....

July 19* 2005, 3:03 pm

This past weekend was pretty kickass. The spa was awesome. I didn't, however, know that getting a facial was such a naked adventure. In retrospect I am glad that I was a few minutes late so that I didn't get the pleasure of seeing Mike's mom's boobies, and vice versa.

I could totally get hooked on high priced treatments and products. I want another facial already! I want to lounge around in robes while food and water is brought to me. Also, the heated bed I had to lay on was fantastic. More of that please!

Afterwards we went to Bergdorf for lunch and mike's mom got a makeover at a makeup counter. Sharon and I got some Kiehls products for the boys and then we went to Bloomingdale's and tried on clothes. Neither of us bought anything. It was like seeing how the other half lives.

Then my sister calls me this morning and tells me that Lorenzo had a heart attack. Lorenzo is my mom's husband. He got really sick last year with some sort of serious blood disease and was hospitalized for many months. Anyway, he has been resting all year and was told by his doctor he could go back to work in June. Well, his state funded doctor apparently didn't know what he was talking about. Very soon after going back to work, Lorenzo had a heart attack.

The other part, is that my mom had some bad surgery a few weeks ago. She had a hysterectomy (sp?) because of prolonged lady troubles and some cancer scares. He went back to work mainly so he could take care of things while she was on bed rest for 6 weeks. Well, his heart attack pretty much threw a wrench into that plan. They are desperately applying for all welfare and disability programs they can find but have been turned down a few times. So now she tells me that they have 27 dollars to their name until she gets back to work. Jesus.

Sometimes I cannot believe the differences between my parents and Mike's parents. But right now I am feeling very guilty about my ritzy weekend while my mom spends all her money on their prescriptions.

She was also told her husband probably won't be alive much longer. I have never liked the guy (he used to beat the crap out of her and is an alcoholic) but I imagine that news is sad news to get.

I feel very guilty right now.

July 15* 2005, 11:17 am

Yesterday was a cruddy day. Work things didn't work out. I was really upset. But I also did yoga at lunch and went to a gallery opening after work. Then Mike and I went to dinner at Relish and got ice cream on the way home. So I guess the day redeemed itself afterall.

I have really been trying to see the bright side of things lately and it really does help in some situations. I should try it more often.

It looks like I will be going to LA for 5 or 6 days in August. And then taking some weeks off in October to work on the documentary. That should be kickass. I am really looking forward to that.

I still haven't bought a computer (I planned on buying one after Christmas but then my computer stopped being so crappy and broken so I started putting it off) and now I see the apple store has a deal that a free ipod is coming with computers. Perhaps waiting pays off. I still don't know if I should get an iMac or a powerbook. iMac is like 500 less but powerbook has mobility. Tough choices. The other reason I put off big purchases is my fear of spending money. I hate spending large sums of money. It makes my chest hurt. Even if I have the money and saved up and everything. I have money issues, big time.

Tomorrow, Sharon and I are doing a beauty day with Mike's mom. We're going to bliss. I've never been to a spa and have no idea what I am in for. I hope it's awesome. Kim went with her mom once and told me they have cheese and fruit and champagne and brownies out on trays. That sounds like bliss to me! I told Mike I would be beautiful afterwards and did his favorite bit where he exaggerates and pontificates wildly that "you could not be any more beautiful! that is impossible!". Hilarious.

I am in a strange mood and I am crampy. But I am looking forward to this weekend very much.

July 12* 2005, 7:38 pm
I am suffering from extreme sadness. Nothing seems to help. Sometimes I feel like I am overwhelmed by emotion and that it could take over. Is that normal?

I want to play more animal crossing now that I know there are console games hidden in there. How am I so dumb that I missed them for two freaking years?

Mike is probably going back to LA in two weeks.

July 11* 2005, 6:56 pm

I have had a lot of strange dreams in the last week. I am on new medicine, could that be causing them? They are all very real seeming and involve people I know. They are also terrible in some way. Like a low level nightmare or something.

A few weeks ago I had two dreams that predicted the future in some way. This has happened to me before. In high school there were several occassions I had of dreaming of someone, then the next day at school they'd be wearing what they wore in my dream. That's the problem, I told Mike, I have psychic dreams...about useless crap. I don't fortell tragedies or murders, just outfits.

Last night's bad dream has made me a little creeped out all day. I had a really hard time falling asleep and then when I did, it was very restless. The first part of the dream I was beating the shit out of Mike and he was laughing this really horrible laugh at me and calling me names and making fun of how weak I was. I was even using weapons but he was indestructible. Then I was taking a bath and he came in and told me that if I died it would solve all of our problems. He then slashed my wrists while telling me I was useless and no one would miss me. Then in the next part I was his housewife and I wasn't allowed to talk but I was allowed to cook. See what I mean, bizarre? And somewhat scary. I hope it's not the medicine, because I am actually liking it.

I am really distressed and feel like I don't have anyone that I can talk to. I talked to Mikki a bit today about a few of the issues and her advice made sense but it was also what I hope things don't come. An extreme that I hope I don't have to push. But, it made sense none the less.

July 11* 2005, 2:56 pm

Basically, for the last several months I have not been able to upload photos to this site, and any that I had uploaded in the past were deleted. I have sent off several emails etc... because this is annoying and no one ever gets back to me. I really just want my money back at this point. Whatta rip off!

Yesterday, the Ludwigs took out the whole family to Peter Luger (famous steakhouse in Brooklyn). It was really fun and the food was good. Mike and, being the awesome people that we are, got up early yesterday and went to a yoga class. Then we went shopping, showered, got dressed and met his family for lunch. Then we took a nap in the middle of the day and it felt like 2, shorter days, thus a three day weekend. I love it! Also, most importantly, we napped while Clueless played on USA. You know I love that.

Last week I saw March of the Penguins with Mikki. I love penguins and they are adorable. They swim like little bullets. This movie though, was heartbreaking. So much cold and death. More cuteness please! The best scene was a group of penguins waddling across some ice, one falls on its face, the rest of the group laughs. Man, falling down is flat out funny. Across even species lines. It's also great that they walk but when they get tired they just flop down on their bellies and push. ADORABLE.

Mike and I watched our netflix on Friday night which happened to be that movie Something's Gotta Give. I love Diane Keaton. I want to look as good as her when I am nearing 60. But man, Jack Nicholson grosses me out. I've said it before (and i said it repeatedly while the movie was on) that kissing him looks like it would be like kissing raw catfish. I think I also called them whale blubber kisses. I am a naming genius. That movie could have done with a little more bare assed keanu reeves and a little less...... jack. Eww.

The Giglio festival is in our neighborhood right now. Sweet sweet street fair. We went last night and I won a stuffed patrick for luds (to go with the spongebob I won him last year) and I also won a cute little stuffed chicken hawk that says "you and me" on his tshirt. I pretended mike won me that one so we both got one. We rode the ferris wheel and it was awesome.

Things are stressful but at least these things have been keeping things fun and everything. Now I am getting pretty psyched for great adventure!

July 05* 2005, 6:48 pm

Three day weekend, I'll miss you!

It was a great one. I slept a bunch, tidied up the apartment, went shopping, went to yoga, dinner and board games with ann and scott, fireworks in dumbo and lots of eating with luds.

I started some anxiety meds last week, a half dose, no biggie. Oh yeah, my tolerance (or lack there of) for meds really hit me hard. By day 4 I could not keep my eyes open and was blacking out randomly. I fell asleep at 9 on friday night and woke up at 11 the next morning having no idea what happened. Mike did say though that I seemed more relaxed. I guess so. Maybe TOO relaxed.

We went to watch the fireworks last night with Brandon and Karen and the kids. Brandon made jambalaya to bring to the park for the picnic. It was delicious. And hilarious. He carried a big pot to a park. Maybe you had to be there.

The kids were both in rare form. But adorable as usual. Lillie is 3 years old but has the personality of a much bigger person. When the fireworks started I was sitting in front of Mike on a blanket but then Lillie came back and was like "i want to be on YOUR lap" to Mike. He told her his lap was taken and she decided to wedge in between us. Then Bain decided he also wanted to be in between us. So Mike watched the fireworks with a kid in each arm and me propping them up. He looked pretty happy.

It just started pouring outside. Great.

June 27* 2005, 3:13 pm

Today is Sharon's birthday. I even have presents for her and everything- look at me, being on time and shit. We had eric's present early too! And Bain's. Watch out, world!

Tonight I am making a stir fry and cleaning up the apartment some more.

This weekend was bad. I was depressed or making myself sick for most of it. I have been toying with the idea of going on medication for my brain fever but the idea of that worries me. What if I lose my awesome insurance and then have to pay out of pocket? What if I suffer terrible side effects that make everything worse? What if it means admitting that I am a broken person? So many questions.

I feel embarrassed today. Like everyone can see inside my head. I think Mike sees too much a lot of the time. I wish I could give him a mind erase like they have in Men in Black.

Today I feel a low level of humilation in the air.

Bain's party was fun. He turns 6 on wednesday and he had a soccer party. He got several volcano like toys. I didn't realize those were all the rage. They were pretty complicated and brandon ended up stuck in a science-experiment haze for the rest of the day. He actually had to make rocks out of plaster for the volcano. Lillie wanted the plaster to dry immediately. I said "you have to be patient" and then explained to her what that meant. She looked at me and said "I haven't learned how to patience yet". Oh Lillie. I hear that. But since she is 3 she gets away with it.

At the party though, Karen's sister was driving me insane. INSANE. She has started dating someone, let's call him Fernando. EVERY SINGLE THING SHE SAID WAS ABOUT FERNANDO. If no one was talking about him, she had nothing to say. If anyone said anything about anything she'd pipe in with "Fernando blah blah blah". She even said the same tired joke likea bajillion times to the same people. Yeah! We heard you! It wasn't funny the first time. It was: "I can just see him falling in love with me...." sarcastic cackle. Ugh, she is not charming or funny or interesting. She is annoying and it became more and more clear as the day went on that Fernando was too good for her. It also became clear that she only has anything to say when she is dating someone. God, I hate that!

My birthday is wednesday and Mike is throwing me a pizza and board games party. I am excited!

June 24* 2005, 7:12 pm
Waiting waiting waiting. Mike is on hold with USC so I am waiting. I really want to go to planet thai.

Mmm Mmm planet thai.

I did pilates today at lunch and it was hard. The teacher wore a headset microphone and yelled at us. It was funny. I felt like I was in a Janet Jackson video.

Tom Cruise went nuts on the Today Show yesterday. He knows psychiatry, dammit! He's too old for this shit!

Remind me, did he even graduate from high school? Oh right, he DID NOT.

June 23* 2005, 5:37 pm

Days keep passing without my knowledge. I haven't been online much. I had a three day weekend and on monday Mike and I trekked out to long island to go to the beach and eat seafood and be lazy. It was awesome.

I wanted to get some sun and I did but it doesn't really look like it. I got a slight burn on my left shoulder that looks like it goes around the shape of fingers. And a few spots just around the top of my boobs. Now those are tan spots. Sexy?

We ate at some seafood shack place that a guy at work recommended. Then we went to a beach that was almost empty. Seriously, I have never had so much room at a beach around NYC. The water was kind of cold and since it was an inlet there weren't any waves (much to mike's disappointment) but it was nice. I dozed off a few times even.

Mike liked to scare me into thinking there were crabs or jellyfish underwater. He also found some clear thing that was breathing in and out and moving. It had flourescent green lines through it. I was totally afraid of it. I am afraid of the unknown! I mean, it's unknown! C'mon.

Then at about 6 we headed back into town and walked around and had dinner. The town was very old timey but also very rich with waterfront properties and many many sailboats and yachts. We had an awesome dinner of crabcakes, steamed mussels and cajun chicken that was very cheap (considering it was mostly fresh seafood). Then we got ice cream and heading back into town.

On sunday it was father's day and we spent two hours getting to Mike's grandparents place all the way out in Queens. We were told we'd be getting picked up at the train station. BIG LIE. We then had to find a bus, wait for it, and take that to their house. I was pissed. His mom loves making plans "loose" and then screwing us in the end. Afterwards we pushed for a ride back into the city. And then they let us keep a car for the beach trip. So it pretty much worked out.

At work there are all these freelancers. What they do, no one seems to know. A few have looked familiar over time. I swear I even saw one at Curtis' party but since I know no names or job titles, I don't feel like approaching people.

I am looking forward to the weekend.

Oh, and last night Ann and I went to see the perfect man. It was.... not good. I wanted it to be like that movie Mermaids (with cher and winona ryder just to name a few) but it was more like... crap. It was also much more creepy that I expected. There was also a group of mentally disabled people there for the showing. The movie was especially bad with a low level of moaning throughout.

Tonight! Cheeseburger record release party! listen to cheeseburger and be happier people- www.myspace.com/cheeseburger

June 16* 2005, 3:28 pm

Let's see. My hands hurt. A LOT. Like, maybe I have arthritis? That kind of pain. Sometimes just opening jars or holding something wrong way will send tremendous pain up my arms. Ugh. I don't want arthritis. I am pretty sure that no one does.

Things at work are pretty great. I may have gotten a new position (don't want to jinx it) and we finished the deadline on another big project. Everything is moving right along.

The documentary is moving too. We have made a calendar and an episode guide and now we will work out some scheduling. I am glad I can take a few weeks off in August. That will be very necessary.

Yesterday Mike got some bad news. We watched Jerry Maguire and ate dinner. I think that made him feel a little better (mike loves sappy movies. Kidding, he loves Cameron Crowe). Then the doc news today made him feel a little better. Hopefully that adds up to a lot better.

Tonight I am seeing Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants with some lady friends. I thought it would be like a cheesefest night but then the movie got really good reviews. I was not prepared for that. Of course, the chubby loudmouth friend is the "writer" of the group. I would complain about that being so annoying but since it is true in my life I guess I can't say much.

I would like to see Batman this weekend but the L train is out (AGAIN) so it may be too annoying. There is also father's day in queens but we can take the bus so that should be okay. There is also Curtis' party, but I am sure we could show up at 2am and not be late for that thing.

My stomach hurts a lot. Sometimes I think being a woman is a curse.

June 14* 2005, 11:45 am

Big things have been brewing. So big, I couldn't take the time to write about them.

Firstly, Mike and I celebrated our 5 year anniversary on Friday night. FIVE YEARS. Sounds like crazy nonsense. But it's totally true. We had dinner at the place we had our first date (because we are broke and that place is cheap- romantic)and then we went home for dessert etc...

When we got home and Luds had cut out a heart for every month that we've been together and had them snaking around the apartment floor (Note- in order to do this he cleaned the apartment, placed the chord hiders we bought 2.5 years ago and hooked up the stereo that he was supposed to hook up last summer- awesome) to flowers he had laid out on the bed with a letter to me. It was really sweet and pretty unexpected. Then we ate apple pie ala mode and played videogames. Mike started Metroid. Now we're in for it. We also brought the Star Wars game back into the rotation. We did all this by candlelight in order to lend it some validity. I am joking. Pie and videogames are the most adult and the most romantic of activities.

Then the weekend had it's ups and downs. There is a lot of stress about the future going around.

June 06* 2005, 11:36 pm

i am too dumb to figure out the weblog style.

i am doing a new layout. finally.

my account erased all of my images a few months ago and i never got them back. no one returned my emails either. i also can't upload new ones. this place is frustrating me!

June 05* 2005, 6:28 pm
What a crazy weekend. On Wednesday I worked pretty late. The deal was that Thursday would then be an easy day and everyone would get a three day weekend (to make up for the memorial day weekend). So Mike and I plan to have dinner and go to Ari's birthday party on Thursday night to celebrate.

Well, things didn't work out. Work got pushed back. Mike came by and we had dinner here (someone referred to it as a conjugal visit.... too accurate) and then he went to the party and I said I'd meet him there. Then the word came down at work that we'd be working late. LATE. The party was by my office so at about 11:15 I popped over, said happy birthday, saw people and left. Came back to work. Eventually, I got off work at about 9:50 the next morning.

When I got home I really thought I wasn't going to make it. I was holding up pretty good until about 6am. That is when we had an hour break and ordered breakfast from a diner on Broadway. I ate and then started reading. Staying awake was now a challenge.

When I got home I just sorted threw my clothes off everywhere and immediately got into bed. I slept until 2 in the afternoon. That was when I had to make a decision to either keep sleeping or get up so that I could sleep that night. Mike was up so he helped me get up. I did some tidying of the apartment. Some watching of Oprah. By 5:30 I was so tired again. We had plans that night though.

I eventually powered through and even stayed awake for revenge of the sith. No small feat!

Yesterday was completely kick ass. Mike and I took the bus out to the Brooklyn Museum and saw the amazing Basquiat exhibit. If you like his stuff, they are selling some sweet prints on their website (www.brooklynmuseum.org). That ruled and the weather was amazing. Perfect "day off" weather. Then we walked through Brooklyn over to Park Slope and got burritos.

It was actually the place that I went with Laura the last time that I helped her move. I love that place for some reason. mmm mm I wish I was eating that burrito right now.

Then the L train was out of service so we got ice cream cones and walked a few miles down to near the williamsburg bridge. After that we took a cab home and lazed around the house watching SNL and the Chapelle Show. Perfect.

Today has been less good. So I won't bother recounting it.

June 01* 2005, 9:48 pm
snoooooze. That is the sound of me sleeping while awake. We have a three hour break at work and I am so bored I am wake-sleeping. I tried to see palindromes with ludbutt but he had too much work. I ate some bbq and read some old felicity storylines. Seriously.

I have decided to write more stories from my life down. I have told them out loud so I feel like everyone has heard them and they are old news. But some are pretty good and I'd like to write them out for, at the very least, old times sake.

Now people are watching Chappelle show. Oh man, over the weekend (i think) I saw the episode of Chappelle with Wayne Brady. It is so freaking good. Wayne Brady surprisingly keeps up with everyone and even out funnies most people. Good for him! Best line: "Is Wayne Brady gonna have to choke a bitch?" Oh man.

Mike is a really loud laugher. Sometimes he actually hyperventilates and falls off the couch. It's pretty awesome. One time we saw Ian Roberts do a one man show and he talked about his ridiculous laughter (his own, not Mike's) and said one time he was laughing so hard that he ran from his seat to a wall and started punching it. I could easily imagine Mike doing something so ridiculous. It is at those times that I love Mike the most.

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