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July 11*2002, 3:27 pm
i have been really self absorbed lately. or maybe i haven't been- but i feel like i have been. i feel like everyone i have talked to lately is having the same sort of midlife crisis that i am having. not having jobs we want, not having time or money to do what we want, and being stressed about our futures. blargh. i feel like i have all these amazing things planned to do and get me out of this. but they are more like get rich quick schemes for the creative young people of today. i'm gonna make movies. i'm gonna have my own production company. i'm gonna write screenplays. i'm gonna write a novel. i'm gonna write boring crap on the walls and call it art. granted that last one wont make me much money. which brings me back to square one. the square where i have no money and no security in my life. this is the square whoopi goldberg mans on hollywood squares. it is not a good square. it reeks with the stench of failure. it says things like "remember when you were in the color purple.....now you're doing this." my friend kim is stuck in a job where she has no hope of ever getting benefits or a promotion. when i said that we are in the same boat- she pointed out how crappy our boat is. "where is our yacht?" she asked. we decided that the olson twins have it and are partying with their full house friends while we paddle around in this stupid lifeboat. it could be worse i guess- the life boat could have holes. i just want to be stable. i want to know the bills are going to be paid for more than one week or month at a time. mike says if that's all i want i should become a paralegal or a lawyer's secretary- that they make a lot of money. i say "where do i sign up?!" and he gets mad that i am selling myself short. i just can't win. |