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August 28*2002, 4:21 pm
this might be a terrible thing to do- but i am going to use a journal entry of adam's today, without his consent. i used to write with adam. it was fun. it made us feel important when we were 17. sometimes he is great and sometimes he is boring and long winded. or just plain confusing. he prefers drawing stories to writing them i think. but i read this today- and i really liked it. **A tale told, a list of regrets extended. I�ve just found out that I was the first kiss for a girl I dated shortly in middle school. The brief incidence of random couplehood actually ended due to that very kiss, it was that bad. I don�t think either of us said anything about it, or maybe she did, to give credit to her being the one who stamped it as a failed mission. But either way I would have assumed as much. Blah Blah, the back story is useless and besides my point. My point is that she didn�t let me know. Every girl deserves that perfect first kiss. They should remember a flutter of excitement, a small sense of daring danger in learning what it all is. It should be with either someone as new and inept as themselves or someone patient and gentle, etc. It should NOT transpire by deciding that you�ve had enough of being the last girl you know to go unkissed and flipping the lightswitch and launching a surprise attack. I guess even that would work had it been the kind of kiss that would have melted you in into the velvety folds of the enveloping darkness, or the kind that would have been firm stealthy, like a brief secret that the two of you had just exchanged. But instead, for this girl it was a surprised Adam that decided to go with it. I�ve learned from the few people who I have kissed that I don�t kiss like anyone else. I can�t describe it, but I can�t do it the standard way- but then back then I didn�t know that, and I tried to do it the standard way. I assumed that because it was an open mouth the kiss, the next logical move would be to include the all then-mature tongue. I have since learned that there does not always have to be a next step, but my ineptitude was not the cute kind. She bit me. She bit my tongue and she bit it hard. It then became a challenge, I tried once again the original approach. Again, met with the clamp of defiant teeth. End of kiss. What a let down. The subsequent events after that only compounded the whole situation. Lights go back on and there is an immediate regrouping for a critical game of Truth-Or-Dare. First question : Did you kiss Adam? (like they needed to ask. The weird noises and loud gnashing of teeth should mark that a rhetorical question.) Disappointed Girl: Yes. Stupid Disappointed Girls Nosy Sidekick: Did you like it? Disappointed Girl: No, not really. Adam�s Amused Sidekick: Damn�ouch. Was I man about it? Did I swallow my pride and acknowledge that she had a point? No, of course not. I hadn�t yet gotten a single zit and my ball hair still took me by surprise every now and then. I was barely a teenager, let alone a man. So I retaliated with: �Well, She kisses like a horse.� Which, I understand was a classic enough line to stick for a while. There are some things that I regret when I go to bed at night. When I was in fourth grade I dumped a girl who was very, very sweet to me because I was a retard and thought that I had to focus more on my work, which then entailed running a fearsome playground gang called �The Ninja Warriors.� My love for what I do often trumping those around me is still a problem of mine, but I fall asleep and regret that. Another time a bunch of us had piled into the one group car that we had and went to subway for lunch. Instead of sitting with my then girlfriend, who was sitting with everyone else, I sat at another table with a girl who I had just met and was becoming infatuated with. The sad expression of girl I was dating is still very vivid to me. I have no idea what I was thinking. I�m not a mean person and I�m not rude (Actually, sometimes I�m very rude, but I�m acutely aware of when I�m hurting feelings and avoid that at all costs.) I just have no idea what I was thinking. I pay for that with a single image that haunts me. I was always irritated that my last girlfriend was constantly opening the blinds in the middle of the summer afternoon and just letting the heat pour in. I would rush over and snap the blinds shut like and go off on my old man tirade about the cost of cooling this damn house and yadda yadda yadda. It didn�t occur to me until sometime in the middle of winter at stoplight somewhere that she was just a girl enjoying the sun. I wish I could take that back. I wish I could walk over and have opened the blinds in the morning for her. And now, to add to my list of regret is that I didn�t give a girl her perfect first kiss. But she could have fucking told me.** (www.ragingapathy.com) i like the way adam wishes he lived in a movie where every girl got a perfect first kiss and boys were never inconsiderate. i wish i lived there too. but sometimes those things happen in real life and its even better. or so i would like to imagine.
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